When Your Child Starts Keeping Secrets: How to Build Trust Without Invading Privacy

One day, your child is telling you every little detail about their day—who they sat with, what they ate, the funny thing their teacher said. Then suddenly, you start getting one-word answers. Or worse, a shrug. You ask about their friends, and they say, “It’s nothing.” You notice them whispering on calls or shutting their door more often. And just like that, you realize—they're keeping things from you.

It’s natural to feel a little panicked. Is something wrong? Are they hiding something serious? Should you dig? But here’s the thing: secrecy isn’t always a bad sign. As kids grow, they start carving out their own space. They’re figuring out their identity, and part of that process means keeping certain thoughts, feelings, and experiences private. The goal isn’t to stop this from happening—it’s to make sure they still trust you enough to come to you when it really matters.

Why Kids Start Keeping Secrets

• They crave independence – Keeping things to themselves is a way of saying, “I can handle this on my own.”

• They fear judgment or disappointment – If they think you’ll be upset or won’t understand, they’ll keep quiet.

• They don’t know how to express things yet – Sometimes, kids don’t share because they haven’t processed their own feelings.

• They’re testing boundaries – Seeing what they can keep private is part of growing up.

  

  
  

How to Maintain Trust Without Pushing Them Away

1. Resist the urge to pry – If they feel like you’re interrogating them, they’ll pull away even more. Instead of asking direct questions like, “What are you hiding?”, try open-ended ones like, “How have you been feeling lately?”

2. Create a no-judgment space – Make sure they know they can tell you things without immediately getting a lecture. Instead of reacting with, “Why would you do that?!”, try, “That sounds tough. What made you feel that way?”

3. Be available (without forcing it) – Sometimes, kids open up at unexpected moments—late at night, during a car ride, while making a snack. Pay attention to these moments and give them space to talk.

   

4. Share your own experiences – If they feel like you understand them, they’ll be more likely to talk. Saying, “I remember feeling like that when I was your age” can make a huge difference.

5. Respect their privacy while setting boundaries – It’s okay for kids to have secrets, but if you suspect something harmful (like bullying or risky behavior), step in gently and reassure them that you’re there to help, not punish.

The key is to let them know they can come to you—without making them feel like they have to. When they trust that you’ll listen without overreacting, they’ll open up in their own time.